A Positive Statement about Funeral Pratices

A contribution from Dr. John Canine:

Despite all the criticism of funerary practices, funerals are here to stay. The form, structure, and function of the American funeral may be modified in the future, but the rite of passage is necessary after the death of a loved one. As Rando states, "The passing of that person must be recognized, his survivors must be supported as they start a new life without him, and they must be reintegrated into the community, which iteself must reaffirm its continuity after the loss of a member". The future of the funeral in our American culture is rooted in its ability to provide diverse settings in which both private sorrow and public loss can be expressed and shared. It is not only a vehicle by which society can state a death has occurred but also one that proclaims that a life has been lived. However, funerals require direction, and in the future, as at no other time in the history of the American way of death, funeral directors will give meaning to the rite of passage. The funeral director will not only design the "business" of funerals (i.e., market-driven product and program development, value versus price, and creative expansion of marketshare) but will orchestrate the funeral to "catalyze acute grief responses, prescribe structured behaviors in a time of flux, and encourage recognition of the loss and development of new relationships with both the deceased and the community". In the future, the funeral director will have to wear many different hats to provide a "full-service" program of funeral practices to the people being served.

Despite all the criticism of funerary practices, funerals are here to stay. The form, structure, and function of the American funeral may be modified in the future, but the rite of passage is necessary after the death of a loved one. As Rando states, "The passing of that person must be recognized, his survivors must be supported as they start a new life without him, and they must be reintegrated into the community, which iteself must reaffirm its continuity after the loss of a member". The future of the funeral in our American culture is rooted in its ability to provide diverse settings in which both private sorrow and public loss can be expressed and shared. It is not only a vehicle by which society can state a death has occurred but also one that proclaims that a life has been lived. However, funerals require direction, and in the future, as at no other time in the history of the American way of death, funeral directors will give meaning to the rite of passage. The funeral director will not only design the "business" of funerals (i.e., market-driven product and program development, value versus price, and creative expansion of marketshare) but will orchestrate the funeral to "catalyze acute grief responses, prescribe structured behaviors in a time of flux, and encourage recognition of the loss and development of new relationships with both the deceased and the community". In the future, the funeral director will have to wear many different hats to provide a "full-service" program of funeral practices to the people being served.

A Positive Statement about Funeral Pratices

Despite all the criticism of funerary practices, funerals are here to stay. The form, structure, and function of the American funeral may be modified in the future, but the rite of passage is necessary after the death of a loved one. As Rando states, "The passing of that person must be recognized, his survivors must be supported as they start a new life without him, and they must be reintegrated into the community, which iteself must reaffirm its continuity after the loss of a member". The future of the funeral in our American culture is rooted in its ability to provide diverse settings in which both private sorrow and public loss can be expressed and shared. It is not only a vehicle by which society can state a death has occurred but also one that proclaims that a life has been lived. However, funerals require direction, and in the future, as at no other time in the history of the American way of death, funeral directors will give meaning to the rite of passage. The funeral director will not only design the "business" of funerals (i.e., market-driven product and program development, value versus price, and creative expansion of marketshare) but will orchestrate the funeral to "catalyze acute grief responses, prescribe structured behaviors in a time of flux, and encourage recognition of the loss and development of new relationships with both the deceased and the community". In the future, the funeral director will have to wear many different hats to provide a "full-service" program of funeral practices to the people being served.

The Value of a Funeral

There are several trends occurring in our society as a direct result to our poor economy. Real Estate prices are down, unemployment is high, and companies are closing their doors and many are going out of business. But one of the most devastating trends we have witnessed recently is that folks are cutting back on funeral services. They don’t realize how important the funeral service is for the family and close friends of the deceased.

There are two immediate needs fulfilled when a funeral takes place. First, we are able to grieve the loss of the person that died. If we have loved, then it is natural to grieve the loss of a loved one. If we did not love, there would be no need to grieve. The second need fulfilled from the funeral ritual is the celebration of a life lived. We are all unique and have contributed to the lives of those left behind in very special ways.

Before the 1900’s, people were not afraid of death – it was an accepted part of life. When a person died, it was usually at home, and everyone was involved in preparing the body for the funeral. Over several decades, that process has changed. Our culture today tends to prolong life, often because of a fear of death. We are not comfortable with death and therefore avoid it at all costs. We forget why we need a funeral at all and we often omit it completely. Those in the funeral industry understand this omission can be quite destructive because without a funeral, it is very difficult to process grief. When grief is not processed, it becomes repressed. When grief is repressed, people cannot move on with their lives. Lastly, without a funeral, there is no celebration of life!

GOOD GRIEF!

The first step of the grieving process should be the sharing of grief with our family and friends. All of the other rituals in our lives, including births, marriages and deaths are marked by sharing the feelings, joy and emotions with those around us.

Fortunately, our ideas and thoughts about death are again slowly beginning to change. More and more people realize that not only do they need to grieve the loss of their loved one, but they also want to celebrate that person’s life. Many folks are doing this in new and unique ways by personalizing the funeral service. We learn about the deceased and the life they led through photos, tribute videos and personal memorabilia brought into the funeral home by the family. Friends and relatives share stories and recall precious memories which provide valuable healing to the family of the loved one. The National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) states the following:

“Funeral service consumers are seeking a service that is as unique as the person who died. The idea of personalization has resulted in an explosion of unique and meaningful services being held. Families want the funeral ceremony to no longer focus on death, but rather the celebration of life”.

Through personalization, funeral services can be more creative, unforgettable and meaningful. Funeral directors can offer various ideas to make the service more personalized and are very open to family suggestions and creativity. NFDA encourages all funeral service consumers to discuss their ideas with the funeral director to ensure an individualized ceremony fitting of the person who died.”

The Grieving Process

Whether personalized or not, every aspect of the funeral service has a special purpose, with the ultimate purpose being that of healing. There are several steps in the grieving process and the funeral allows us to take the first step by acknowledging the reality of the death. It also offers us an opportunity to express our grief and gain support from those we love. There are times in our lives when words are hard to find and when words alone are often inadequate to express our feelings. The funeral ritual speaks for us at one of the most difficult times in our lives. In addition, the funeral allows the community to acknowledge the death and provide support to the family and friends of the deceased. The funeral gives the grievers the time they need to say good-bye to their loved one and serves as a rite of passage. We must remember that the funeral is not for the deceased; it is for the loved ones who are left behind. To skip the funeral is to skip the very first step in healing from the loss of the person we love.

Psychologists and grief counselors tell us over and over that those who skip the funeral completely or request no viewing of the deceased have the hardest time moving forward after the funeral. They often turn to alcohol, tranquilizers and other drugs to reduce the huge amount of anxiety and pain they experience. Most grief counselors will agree that these folks need to go back and have a funeral or tribute service as a first step in the healing process.

This ritual or service does not need to be expensive or formal. It can take place in a funeral home, a cemetery, a church or right in your own backyard. The important part is acknowledging the death and sharing the loss with friends and family. All of the hugs and all of the sharing of emotions are what is important and what provide the cathartic need for moving through the grief process.

Another important part of the funeral ritual is having the deceased’s body present during the service. Even those who choose cremation should have their loved one’s body present for viewing before the cremation. The reason for this is that the practical side of our brain tells us the person has died; however, the emotional side of our brain does not want to believe it. The old saying, “seeing is believing” really rings true when it comes to viewing the body of our loved ones who have died.

As mentioned earlier, the second purpose of the funeral (even long after the death) is to celebrate the life of the person that died. As visitors come to pay their respects to the family, they share memories and stories of how the deceased affected their life. Many families are pleasantly surprised to know their loved one touched so many different people in so many ways. This sharing brings comfort to the grieving heart.

Pre Plan your own funeral

The NFDA recommends that everyone preplan his or her own funeral. Doing so can offer emotional and financial security for both you and your family. Advance planning of a funeral will give you the kind of service you want and your family will be unburdened from making decisions at a stressful time.

Preplanning does not necessarily mean pre-funding. However, pre-funding is a wise choice because you can make your funeral recession proof. When you pre-fund your funeral, you lock in on today’s funeral services prices. In other words you are guaranteed that the cost of your funeral will not go up because of inflation. Most importantly, your money is guaranteed safe by U.S. Government regulations on funerals and funeral homes; (Consult your local state laws about transferability from one funeral home to another should your family move or decide to have your funeral at another funeral home)

If you are feeling the need to bring closure to a loss you have experienced in the past or need comforting for an existing loss you are experiencing, contact your funeral director so they can refer you to a grief counselor that can help. Think about closure and your eventual unavoidable death. How do you want your loved ones to process their pain? Remember, pre-planning may be the solution to bring some relief to your loss right away. Grief is a slow process and is something to be worked through, not avoided. Please consult your local funeral home for more information.

Ed Primeau and Lori Rock are members of the board of directors of Our AfterCare a web based system suite of modules that provides access to grief counseling via the funeral home website for funeral home clients. Visit www.OurAfterCare.com for more information or call 800-647-4281.